photo: Flickr Creative Commons by Mait Juriardo
You’re my place of quiet retreat. I will wait for your word to renew me.
Psalm 119:114 The Message
The seeds spilled from the apple I sliced, falling into the bowl one by one, a metaphor for the missed opportunities I couldn’t stop thinking of that morning. It’s not odd that my head and heart are full today. Each year around this time, the world leans in to the promise of change brought on by the coming of the New Year. We count down and plan. Make lists and promises. We set goals and resolve. Every year.
This year I’m taking a pause. The inevitable inward reflection has left me troubled because last year… I felt I missed the mark…so many times.
Do you ever feel like that? Do you ever feel like you haven’t measured up? Have missed the mark and perhaps wonder if you’ll be able to do anything about the trajectory you see yourself on? Sometimes, as much as I try, I can’t see the silver lining…a way out…and I find my expectation for relief is limited. In those times, I’m blinded by self effort and can’t see beyond the distraction of doing.
To be clear, I’m not beating myself up. I’m making an effort to be intentional and own up to choices I’ve made. I’m reaching higher and pushing the envelope. I’ve made peace with my past and I’m looking ahead. I want to do this resolution thing more effectively.
At a conference in October I sat across from a new friend and was asked to share a secret struggle. Something going on on the inside, that perhaps we haven’t shared with anyone. It was an exercise of sorts and an opportunity to release or at least get help carrying a burden. My partner was clear and concise. Able to express her hidden concerns while looking me eye to eye. She didn’t flinch and poured out worries I didn’t expect. She’s awesome and amazing and talented and beautiful and like everyone else in the room, including me….a work in progress. Really, it wasn’t so much what she said, but that she was able to connect with her feelings and convey them so transparently…that got my attention.
I couldn’t think of any thing to say. And perhaps that’s part of the problem. I couldn’t identify the “thing”. I mumbled words about being generally fulfilled and looked past and through her, all the while hoping she didn’t see me. I didn’t answer the question.
Since then I’ve prayed God would help me put my finger on it. I’ve found things are revealed as I’m ready to receive them. That night, at the table in the dark….sitting safely in the presence of a woman who promised to hold whatever I poured …I wasn’t ready.
I don’t know if I’m ready now but the things won’t stay hidden any more. I’ve identified a few of them and some have scared me. One I’ll share.
Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment. – Jim Rohn
Discipline. A lack of discipline has impacted certain areas of my life. I’ve made choices and overlooked things because I didn’t want to deal with them. I’ve done whatever I wanted, placing a positive spin on my bad habits. I’ve dismissed opportunities for radical change and called them powerful choices. When perhaps, at the core, was a lack of discipline. In situations like this I’ve actually done nothing and called it a stance of power. Granted, sometimes it was, but other times, I was shut up and shut down in a spiritual coma. I backed down and away from the choice to move because it was easier and I was lazy.
So it’s time to face it.
It’s always about perspective and I’ll try seeing the seeds I mentioned earlier as incubators of positive life altering change. The promise of something new. Each one holding a promise, a step closer to the peace I’m looking for. Because He’s revealed , I know He’ll help. I’m encouraged. I claim renewal as I meditate and wait for His word. And this year, one of my words is discipline.
This year I’ll take part in a one word resolution challenge. I’ll shift my perspective and view my life through the lens of this word. Let the word…discipline, color my choices. Use it as a barometer to set my day and push me toward a brighter future.
This is the good scary stuff. I’m taking the leap. Are you ready for this? What’s your word? Follow along with me at OneWord365.
