late night selfies of a writer….because it’s my birthday!

I wrote a well received post recently. Some of the bloggers I admire most shared it and even left comments. I thanked God in that quiet way you do when, as a creative, you’ve prayed for a bit of reassurance…affirmation even. And then I worried I’d never write again because…well, anything else I’d write would be compared to that and…..? I know…I shouldn’t need it but if I’m honest, I do want to know if I’m making a connection with my readers. Blogging is hard work and some may think writers write easily and well all the time…But I’m here to tell you they’ve got it all wrong. My soul is splayed, naked and bare all over Facebook…every time I press publish….or send…or share. I know you see me. And I’m a modest gal. It’s never easy.

I love to write but have always struggled with sharing my words. Until last year, when God moved my heart to share my experience. Finally it seemed I had something to write about and more than that – a mission. I focused my attention on women facing infertility and adoption. Dancing in the middle of my own miracle gave me strength to believe for others. So I wrote to encourage and inspire.

But it wasn’t that simple. Somewhere along the way I wandered into other areas, tender topics and thoughts I’ve never shared publicly. I worry that I’ve gone too far. And if I’ve abandoned the readers who joined me to talk infertility.  And how to meld what God pours into a place that honors it all.

My faith was front and center through it all and I found a whole community of women…like me…who feel called to write. That’s the cool part. But I’ve worried.

Blogging opened up a space and gave permission for anyone to call themselves a writer. And don’t get me wrong I think there’s great power in self-affirmation. But because anyone can do it…well, is there a standard of good and bad? Professional and unprofessional? Can I be a writer and am I any good? It’s easy to confuse writing with stats and subscribers and comments left on a post. Especially if you write believing its as the Lord wills. If I don’t write today(because really who has the time) will my blog die? Was my last post…the last? It’s hard to admit, but I’ve worried like that. I want to post what he pours and leave the rest to Him. I don’t want to be a slave to a blog. But all writers want to be heard and I’m no different. I want tangible proof in the form of connection. And that usually comes though comments. I want to know my words matter because your words matter to me.

It’s been a year. I’m more convinced than ever of my calling to this ministry. But I’m a novice and have a lot to learn and again – it takes so much time. I say, I’m learning to write. But it doesn’t feel like a hobby. Writing is my thing.

And my writing has changed. It takes longer to write posts lately. I can’t just crank them out anymore. Everything feels more important. Deserving of devotion and complete attention. I think I’ve fallen in love with writing. I respect the craft in a way that makes me want to grow…to be better.

I know (please tell me) I’m not alone in this.

Today I had a thought.  It rang so true I received it as a word. I heard “Higher. Deeper. It’s not about names or numbers. You’re growing. Keep going.” Maybe that’s a word for you too.

So now, I’m mulling and thinking and taking my time to carefully express myself. I’m reading more and praying His vision. I’m walking in faith and praying for grace. I’m flowing with it and I know – I want to write. I write.

How has your writing changed? Do you have a word to share? Tell me about it. Leave a comment and receive automatic entry into my birthday giveaway!

P.S. Today is my birthday! And I thought I’d celebrate with a giveaway! Leave a comment and enter to win an 8×10 Epperson original print “Waiting Dancer”!

Winner will be selected and announced on Monday, February 10, 2014 via Random.org.

Another offering to my friends at Five Minute Friday.

p.s. and oh yes I did get up and apply lipstick for the photos!